Knowing what I hadn’t done before you left the lands which we both breathed deeply, hurts me endlessly now. I clearly know that I really love you with my lungs breathing your secret in surviving realities. When at last I decided to walk to your apartment on 247th street, you had already gone to other heart-land. I haven’t told you how much and how long I have been loving your raspy voice singing country on highways, while I was whistling through the warm wind at late night. I had tried to touch your unmade long sentences which you meant you imagined in your soul to be told, I had meant to leave my and your soul to swim freely in far away pipe dreamed oceans but it was not allowed to be spitting into the wind in the borders of the oceans before everything happened suddenly as loving without plans. Once I came to your apartment bulding on 247th street, before I arrived to confess, you had gone out again. I knocked, knocked and knocked at the door for very long sentences to confess my deep secret feelings with my hazel eyes and hazel hair…How we were so unlucky that I missed you one more time at night…I still have the story in my heart and I am not afraid of telling it now, but it is too late make more long conversations to make our foggy love to make true even just between us. It will stay as two lovers platonic love each other for long years. I have regretted in every minute of desert because I might have told you that I am a life funk to want help from you to courage me in walking your mind and heart streets before you shut the door on 247th street. What a pitty ! We might have been two very long time lovers ! I am definetely certain that you would believe me exactly if I told you my truth about my soul puzzle.For one thing I am really sorry –  I could have never kissed you…Patırtılı, gürültülü bir hikaye anlatmak isterdim, içinde senin ve benim hiç saat tutmadan sokak sokak yürüyebildiğimiz gündüz gece. Nihayetinde bir hikayemiz yok. Biliyordum gündüzdü, geceydi, güvenli değildi, biliyordum sonu yoktu. Arada sırada uykularımız bile imkansızdı, gizli bir seyir hali aşk hikayesinde dolanacaktık . Sen de, ben de üzülecektik. Başka ne söylenebilir ki şimdi ? Olanaksız hamle hayalleriyle geçti bütün zamanlar. Ne okyanuslar gerçek olabildi, ne de çok yakınlar…Denizde, karada, havada, çok uzaklar ve çok yakınlarda çok sessiz bir hikayeyi çok sessiz içimizden okuduk. Çok iyi bildiğim şu, ağzımdan bir türlü çıkamayan cümle, şimdi söylenebilir. Şimdi çok ama çok uzaklardasın ve evet, şimdi söylenebilir : Ben seni deli gibi sevdim….

The Impossible Love
Hülya Uçar.

There is no one in the town.The ones who came got back. The hotel has already been closed. The sadness of the summer end placed near the hotel ,easily. My suntan is a happy piece of caramel which hot weather gave me as a small award. My two eyes are in the right place but I couldn’t see Jacob. I am unaware of time if it passes quickly or not. My hair grew four centimeters. I cut it but nothing changed. My hair is growing up black now. The street lamp has been broken. The hotel is in darkness, now. I’m not turning off the lights to hide my face. The changes are accelerating when the winter comes and moves in to the neighbourhood. I wonder if I may fall in love again or not. I’ve been looking for Jacob everywhere even I know really well that he is far away countries with another life. I couldn’t have the time to ask why he is leaving the country and me. The evil took Jacob away and it didn’t get him back,

New Moon-   Sometimes I worry about being lonely as if one in the world in some Moon phases, and hurt myself , my arm , my foot to realise that I’m alive. I say “Yes, I am here.” I take a deep breath and wait for wearing off the pain. In fact, it is not true; I just watch my soul going away from the phases of the new moon to another world. There is always a woman  tussling with The Storms Ocean. You aren’t able to hug yourself because you have got no hands at the moment. Never think about dressing your hair and life ! It will be difficult like raising your pinky. This is the law of storms. Every woman hurts in some time of the new moon. Who am I in this period ? A pain ?  There will be important storms in everyone’s life to be passed away and real reasons not to seem intelligent smartly for not being left alone and smart. I have never forgotten that there is always a storm to be breaking in new moon.

She Watches Every Phase Of The Moon …In Love…

First Quarter

I am here, right now. I am with me. Myself is not the deep enough word to tell being solitude.Her name was Margaret. I heard her name while he was sleeping with me. I refuse to be invisible while I was making love ,the ceiling was downfalling on me in seconds which made me felt infinite years passing. Everything  seemed so heartbreaking in bed while he was wandering another life Margaret, Margaret… We went to three pieces, I was lost in all sounds of definite real moments. We were three in bed , I was cut to the heart. There are more pieces -My arms, legs, my hands, the most I love were all scattered around the bedroom. Someone is coming and trying to pick up all my pieces and says ” You’ve scattered a lot lately!”, something like reproaching or advise which I can’t realise exactly whatever is happening. If my kith and kin didn’t notice me , I could get lost more easily, but it is never possible. I had been as tiny as a flea. Stick can’t tell how small I am. I’ve fallen loosely. Not long time later but I may be invisible in a few weeks. That’s true but I have no mouth…The evil had taken it and hasn’t brought back ,yet….   She must have blonde hair and very long. I am light brown-haired now, I may have been really beautiful but I don’t have any reason. I squeezed into a clamp, I save my hands, then it snatches my feet. I’ve had migraine again and again. Jacop’s photograph, how fat he looks here, and very big ears. I’m making him small , very small Jacops with my fascinating hands and place all twenty-five small men into my ashtray very carefully. Before I lighted up my cigar I had killed them. I watched the stars and the Moon on the balcony of the motel, the night was so charming through the sky.

Full Moon  Five  days passed.I have still this terrible migraine headache.My socks have run, again. They can’t be worn anymore, I threw them on the black beans which all the dried layer of fat  with pieces of broken glass not to leave my running socks alone in the trash bag. Nothing changes if I don’t go out today. I counted, eighteen birds flew near the motel today. It will be more difficult to count them in the autumn and I might say four bird teams pass today, and raise my head to the sky and ask when it rains , as soon as I ask, the acid rain starts – All the trees around the motel will dry up , the birds will never fly back and worse still I can’t take a breath…All these things may not be, I have never been deceived while sleeping with before, it hurts me deeply , no one can imagine how I was being killed more than once unnoticeably.Without a heart , I try to write something about the day , but then I give up writing since I decide that I have nothing to write. I’m doing nothing these days. I go to bed around nine o’clock. That is my life, lately. The only changing thing is I have been looking for him in the drawers, near window frames, under the table cloth, under the sofa cushions, even in my bed. Jacop had gone. I know who took him away and where he is. Tell me, how this hurt stops going on me. I told him how I missed my mom, before  I told all the deepness of me , he had already fallen asleep. The worse thing I didn’t know that he was sleeping with another woman that night, too. The darling was a big suicide for me in blind hours. I was only sleepless.

Last Quarter      I’ve begun to take photos. The photos of the motel, houses around the motel, trash dumpsters around the neighbourhood,the back door of the motel surrounded by shrubbery , the post boxes with no names, very old motel sign that was written bed&breakfast , a few old wooden tables and chairs, they all look in solitude and I took all the views of abondened places around the motel which were similar me. When I got tired, I sat back on a wet wooden chair in the autumn rain, there was nothing left behind me, I fell down, badly. I sprained my right hand, and it was too late to cure it. I waited untill tomorrow in hurt. He was my love. I am not able to leave -the love, the motel and the summer houses all around the neigbourhood  and in me…

New Moon –  It was difficult to walk but I was wondering the photographs. The man with a beard , after a long time, six hours twenty minutes later, came near me and said ” I wish you didn’t wait.” Before asking why, he told me almost all the photographs were damaged and one of them was photographed well. I was fallen to pieces and my right arm was broken but there was no need to get pieces together, I left everything as it had been. After a short time, he called out me to come back. That time he was without a beard. I wondered if I spent the night there. It was very early to go back home and I got back him. He said “You’ve forgotten something.” and just gave me a photograph. Without paying a lot, I came back home with my broken arm. I didn’t have many places to go. I have never understood why I had pushed myself these moments which cost me too much and hurt me deeply. Passing the nights out with a stranger and hurt yourself knowingly…29 days 12 hours 44 minutes finished .

Lunar Month –  We may come together…We may change…I ensconced my body with all broken bones to the rocking chair next to the window and talked about solitude with my spanish bayonet. It told me that it wasn’t lonely , lived with its moth. I didn’t talk to it  once more untill it was dark. I looked at the photograph all day long. A man wearing a black coat, turned his back and stepped forward his right foot…I have never remembered that I had seen any man like him before. The full Moon will appear again and that night, I will make a wish ,watch the beauty of the Moon face and dream the secret face of it. Invisible face of the Moon. Say, how would the summer come back? Darling, motel, garden sheds…The slatted shutters were all broken in stormy winter nights. I am taking pleasure in looking for you. “Jacop will come back from Araby soon …” Most of us were Jacop. The woman had left someone else and never come back, either. She knows by heart, she and Jacop are a tropic , someone stops and changes places. According to the photograph which had been taken from the Space, it was understood that the far side of the Moon closely resembled the near side of the Moon.

The Secret face Of The Moon
Hülya Uçar.

Hepsi bu mu ? Lokantalar, yollar, sonsuzluk… Altı üstü üç kelime. Odamdan uzaklara

bakınca hiçbir şey yok. Hayata karşı çok güçlü duygular hissetmiyorum. Bir akşam eve

dönüyorum, her akşam eve dönüyorum. Hayatla ilgili hiçbir şey bilmiyorum. Hayat

mayat.. Olmayanlar. Her geceden sonra aynı sabah devam eder.. Hayatta dikiş

tutturamayanların kalpleri de dikiş tutmaz.

Sakın kımıldama! Omzunda mavi bir kelebek var. Ne uzaklarda, ne eskilerde, şu an mavi

kelebeklisin. En imkansız yolcusun. Hayatın yasası ne önceleri anlaşılmış, ne şimdi ne de

muhtemel bilinirliği var. Hiçbir şey senin bu şehirden ayrılan yolcu olmana engel olamaz…

Nasıl geldim bu hikayeye hiç bilmiyorum. Geceler, ateş böcekleri,  ağustoslar… Öğleden

sonra yoksun. Mavi kelebeğin de gitmiş… Şimdi gittiğin şehrin bir adı var mı ?

Gitmeseydin Ya…
Hülya Uçar.

Size en çok yakışacak moda eşyalardan biri pantolon ve bluzdur. İnce kumaştan yapılmış bir

bluz tercih ederseniz şıklığınızı perçinler. Böylece bütün gözler sizin üzerinizde olacaktır.

Hafif batı müziği dinliyorsunuz , spiker olmayı düşlüyorsunuz ve radyo piyeslerini hiç

kaçırmıyorsunuz. Beste yapabilecek bir sanatçı ismi vermenize imkan yok ama ajans

haberlerini hiç kaçırmıyorsunuz. Diksiyonunuza güveniyor olmalısınız , hoş bugünlerde

herkesin Türkçe konuşabildiğini söylemek ve söylense bile buna ikna olabilmek güç.

Kaygılarda geçen uzun saatli hayatlarda iç bağları sıkı bir toplumda dil önemlidir, ince kumaş

bir bluz gibi dikkatleri üstüne toplar zira. Hayatta her zaman kazanmak önemli değil, bazı

olaylara yalnızca iştirak etmek veyahut finale kalmak olası bir sevinçtir. Daha önce söyledim

mi bilmiyorum ama müzik eğitimi şarttır, her ne kadar beste yeteneğiniz doğuştan mevcut ise de.

Her şeyden önce bestelerinizi bir bestekarın beğenmesi icap etmektedir . En iyisi mi siz

bestelerinizi alıp bir notere giderek size ait olduklarını tespit ettirin. Eğer bir büyük bestekar

sizin bestelerinizi dinlemez , beğenmez hatta size destek olmazsa oturma odasında

piyanonuza dinleteceğiniz sır besteler olarak kalacaklardır. Gömlek ütüsünün nasıl

yapıldığını bilmeniz bu konuya dair size etki etmeyecektir, siz daha çok musiki ile ilgili

şeylerde beceriklilik kazanmalı, boş vakitlerinizi tango dersleri alarak geçirmelisiniz. Modası

geçmeyen bir dans ile uzun yıllar mutlu bir şekilde bestelerinizle tango yaparak mesut olma

şansını yakalayabilirsiniz. Özellikle kış aylarında bir tango besteler ve çok ilgi toplayan bir

bestekara da sevdirebilirseniz hayat size modası geçmeyen bir renk gibi olacaktır. Önce

gömleğin arka yüzünü mü ütülemeliyim ? Kol manşetlerini de …  Başkalarının mutluluğunu

anlattığı anlarda acayip hüzün mü duyuyorsunuz ? Kaçırdığınız fırsatları hatırladığınız zaman

çok mu üzülüyorsunuz ? Hayatta çok kırılmış bir insan olduğunuz yanağınızdaki benden

anlaşılıyor hemen, talihsiz değilsiniz, iradenizden yararlanarak doğru hamle yapmanız ,

çevrenizi genişletmeniz , hatta iyisi mi bir ünlü bestekarla tanışmalı ve pür neşe, canlılık

içinde hayata bağlanmalısınız. Vaktiyle kırılmış olsanız bile, daima mutlu olmaya çalışarak ,

iyi bir şeyin sizin için de olacağına inanmalısınız. Hayatta her gün beste yapabilmeye veya

her gün mutlu olabilmeye imkan yok, ancak yine de hayatın tadını çıkarmaya kararlı olursanız

eğer, bu yenilik sayesinde hayatınızın bestesini de yapabilme şansınız olacaktır. İnsanın

inanarak hayatını kendisinin yaratacağını da unutmamalısınız, ama önce size ait olmayan şu

gömleği bir kenara bırakın kuzum, işte şimdi mutlu sayılırsınız.

İdeal Ve Mutlu Kadın
Hülya Uçar.