I have trained my sights on joining a club. Sometimes people only look for something to live to breath for details, you know the ins and out, some shitty things. To be free has a deep joy but sometimes there is a need to be belonged to and own. I have always wanted to be free but this is the time to belong to a club. Everything is possible when you trust in yourself and I am sure that I can succeed it. Grass lovers association, haunted houses landlords association, voluntary pack rat followers club, collectors of their exboyfriends’ sleeve links union, dreamers to be millionaire with lotteries club or naked idlers club… I wish I were a member of great number of clubs. Life is always different from one to another. Your treasure may be a trash for me , so before judging stay alone for days, weeks and months. I am able to be a good member of any club who accepts my apply. I can walk on the streets, stand among the crowded pavements, enter the shopping malls and even look around windows, ask some questions to information desks, probably ask for the time to a stranger. Yes, I am the one to hit the jackpot.
Sharing the responsibilities and crime relieve our mind. I am very scared to death of being guilty or criminal but I’ve said shit five times since morning. I’ve burnt my hand while making coffee, clumsy ! oh shit!, I broke my favourite mug that always good life was written on it, oh shit!, while I was picking up the broken pieces, I cut my finger, oh shit!, I have blood phobia, shit!, the door bell is ringing , that’s the put on it , shit neighbour… I have said five times shit , again with this one seven, and I am very scared to death to be a criminal. I have also sworn but this secret is between you and me. Shut up small voice ! I am tired of you… I had never sworn since now and I have had nothing good or luck. Keep me going on life, even I want to swear at you.
It’s nearly six .It is just a perfect day. Some broken pieces and a hurt and bloody finger. This is the bill of the day, actually I don’t want to make account with life, it always beats me with the high numbers, at least three digit numbers.There is nothing healthier than smiling. Thanks to being cheerful, I can take much more oxgyen, I must try to never forget about it. It is helpful for bloodstream, as I lost blood in the morning smiling would be the main solution not be bad and cold. I can manage to detox, I had eaten one hamburger yesterday, so it works even for getting of the harm of fat and high calories, anyway , it was delicious, I have been smiling for the last ten minutes, it is something like a funny game, once when you start it even as a game , it becomes your reality, yes, the game comes true. By the way, smiling is a kind of magic tonic to be younger and more beautiful, nobody can stop me since now, life will go on my smiles, it could even make the ugliest one , an extremely attractive woman or man, so what, who wouldn’t like to grin like a cheshire cat . With my smiles I can bewitch everybody who is rounding me, like a secret gun. Firstly, I must look in mirror and practise smiling poses, I am smiling now, is it good enough to impress one ?, I am trying to smile a bit more, yes, is it far away to be persuasiveness? , I am smiling more sincere, yes that’s it, one is impressed, my teeth are extremely white, if not I musn’t smile, it’s not my opinion, the magazine says it, if my laugh lines seem dramatic I must never smile , why ?, not to look older and uglier than I am of course ! I have to learn the art of smiling, maybe it is a little odd but I am going to be used to smiling different types in front of the mirror, it seems like we will be good friend with my mirror after today, how lucky it is or I am , I shouldn’t get worried about sun lines, I have to take care about the wrickles between my two eye brows, if there are really explicit wrinkles then I should try to smile without wrinkling , there must be a way to do it right, and secondly, if I suceed it as it must be, then I must talk in a good voice while smiling, my voice mustn’t sound artificial or tough, yes it looks like I am going to work on smiling more and more days, untill I believe I am really happy and cheerful. I don’t exagerate everything about smiling or wrinkles, I don’t retail all the smallest things and I don’t want to be extremely boring, time and eveything is as same as I behave right now. I am sorry, dear mirror, you are not damned funny ! This is my job today.
It is a new morning and a new life with my new style tittering. Oh dear mirror, tell me I am the most beautiful woman with the most beautiful smile in the world … I considered myself to be a happy woman. I always take a shower every morning and wear the most beautiful color dress and wonderful leather shoes and get ready to walk around the mirror and real life. When I am out , I always walk along the street carefully without standing on banana peels and try to mince very oftenly. Whenever I wanted to change my walking direction from south to north, I look in my mirror and at the most beautiful and attractive pose, I change my way to be in different place , different moment. I have never failed timing and I suppose I am always perfect. My eyes are a little bit big but they look everything hot, my hair is messy but it smells fantastic , I am not tall but I won’t be a basketball player, so I am a very romantic and far away beauty of deepness in mirrors. Maybe I am exceeding the speed limit as a liar walker, maybe not! Anyway , I minced on my own choice within 24 hours. What a wonderful woman !
Weeks passed. Many things have changed. Sitting next to the window, I am watching ordinary walkings on the pavements, from left to right, from north to south, I have never known the directions in all my life, that is the loud and clear lack of my abilities. I have never memorized a beautiful song from start to end, everytime a few words and sung unharmonious, never as same as the real song, very oftenly fabled by my soul. There is no time today to question my passing time. I am only a watcher, right now. I have a terrible headache. People in the streets going around my loneliness, rush into solitude poems , they and I are so mismatched. A woman wearing pink high heels look so vivacious that she can hug everybody and dance singing a crowded song… Me ? I am sitting on an old green wing chair to be a watcher. Without taking risk, I am breathing in the living room. Today, I don’t feel like dreaming or reading a long poem, I am clear on being realist. The old man trying to across the street can’t see the cars, signs, streets even with his big glasses. Life is more difficult for him. Another man, sitting on the corner with his dog is a homeless. He hasn’t even an old green wing chair to sit and regret or dream. This is the real pavement. Today I have no dreams. Life is real enough for me to sit and think about it. I am thinking of you, dear life.
